Contemplative post...

I did it; I just turned in my request to drop my hour percentage at work tonight.  I have been struggling with this decision for about 2 months now.  It really is not a big deal, since I am only dropping to 80%, which means I will be working 4 hours less (two 12's and an 8), and I will remain full-time, but it is the basic principle of the matter.  I really want to drop to 50% (one 12 and one 8), but I just can't quite bring myself to do it quite yet. Why?  I don't really know.  But, I'll start at the beginning.

About 2 months ago, I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to quit working.  I have not felt like this since I was about 5 months pregnant.  Then Derrick informed me that if we went to Ohio, that he wanted me to work for at least one year because we would get in-state tuition.  HUGE savings!  So, of course I have.  It has not been as bad as I thought it would be.  When I went back to work 6 weeks after she was born, it was difficult yes, but it was also kind of nice.  It was nice to get back to my routine.  And Derrick was done with school, so I liked leaving Iva with him.  When we moved out here, I started working right away.  Derrick did not start school for about a month, so it gave us some time to find a babysitter.  However, it was super stressful trying to find one.  I figured there would be tons of mom's in our ward at church who would want to babysit Iva.  WRONG.  Instead, I got a lot of judgmental comments and critisism.  Everyone asked, "Are you just doing it for the in-state tuition?"  I was, obviously, but it was hard to explain to someone that I actually enjoyed being a nurse.  I worked really hard to get my license.  And I enjoy what I do.  Thankfully, we found a gal in our ward who was willing to come watch Iva at our house, which was so nice since I was still nursing.  She watched her for the first semester.  Then we found a mom who has two young boys to watch Iva the second semester.  Her husband is in school also.  She has been great.  Number 1 quality?  Just willing to watch Iva.  Number 2 quality?  NO judgmental comments. 

Anyways, this last year has been difficult, to say the least.  I was trying to finish my stupid BSN degree (see previous post!), and Derrick was SO busy.  His winter quarter was the worst.  I was in a depressing mood most of the time.  I hated my job and I hated school, both his and mine.  I felt like we barely had time to breathe.  This summer has been a much-needed break.  But, the closer it gets to ending, the more anxiety I have felt about him going back to a rigorous schedule and me remaining full-time.  I really almost quit a number of times.  It is getting harder and harder with Iva to get enough sleep.  Especially today.  She was SO good and so happy, but she decided only to sleep for an hour.  Totally fine on any other day, just not today, when I have to be up all night.  I tried to put her down again, and I sat in bed listening to her cry for about 45 minutes while I had tears in my eyes and was trying to sleep.  Yes, I am a horrible person, but I just can't stay awake all night long with only an hour nap.  It is not like that normally.  She sleeps about 2 1/2-3 hours most days, so I get plenty of sleep.  But today was not normal, and I felt awful.  So, today is a want to stay home with my baby kind of day.  Then I think about my CPR re-certification class I just did.  I loved it.  Granted, it was only an hour long and stupid to have to come all the way to campus to do it, but it reminded me of why I'm a nurse.  I love it.  Am I just supposed to give that up?  Nursing is a part of me.  But, so is Iva.  Am I just destined to be torn the rest of my life?  I really don't think so.  I know I will be content to just work 1 or 2 days a week some day.  But Derrick is in school.  Can I justify quitting and going on food stamps and Medicaid when I have the ability to work?  I don't think that is right either.  Derrick told me tonight that there is no wrong or right answer.  I just need to decide what is best for me.  But that is what makes this whole thing so difficult.  I just keep going back and forth.  I wish I could just make a decision and be done with it, but all these outside factors keep creeping in.  "We need the money," "Money should not be the only reason I stay working," "What is best for Iva?," "What is best for me?," "What is best for our family?"  And as much as I hate it, I keep letting the judger's in our ward get to me.  I keep hearing, "Well, you will do what is best for you, but I think you will find that eventually you will stay home.  It is what most children need," or "Well, I'm choosing to stay home, so why should I watch your baby because you choose to work?"  I want to say, "SUCK IT!  I am a working mom and I have an awesome child who is well-rounded, says 'Please' and 'Thank you,' shares her toys, is was not afraid of nursery even at 16 months or going to other people."  Not the right attitude, I know, but I want people to stop having their holier than thou attitude just because they "choose" to stay home.  It is more like you "chose" to have a career that only pays minimum wage or "chose" to quit school (to all my stay at home friends, or friends who are about to stay home aka Miranda, Amanda, and Karla and many more of you!  I do NOT mean you!  Love you all and know how insanely jealous I am that your husbands are all done with school!).  But, I am just so EXHAUSTED.  Working night shift really sucks.  I like it because I get to see Iva more.  I don't have to be to work until 7, so we eat dinner together about 5:30 and then I leave.  Derrick gets some time with her and puts her to bed at 8.  So I'm really only missing the bedtime routine.  If I worked days, she would be asleep when I left and again when I got home.  Plus, I would miss out on the shift differential that I get working nights.  It would be the same amount of money to just drop to part time.  But, I don't think I can continue switching back and forth like I do between night shift and getting up with Iva on my days off.  I thought I could, but it is getting harder.  I am tired all the time. 

Another factor is the hospital I work at.  OSU is making me into a cynical nurse.  The patient's we take care of are non-compliant and refuse care 90% of the time.  I get frustrated with the doctors because I have no autonomy as a nurse, something I took advantage of at Mckay Dee. 

Obviously, you can see how crummy this has been for me.  It has been an annoying back and forth tirade that my poor husband and mother are tired of listening to.  I made the final decision tonight to just drop four hours...for now.  Like I said, I planned on working throughout anyways.  Hopefully the four extra hours will give me the push I need.  It will give me an extra night putting Iva to bed, as well as help me not get so frustrated if I do not get a nap in during the day, because I will be able to sleep for a couple hours after she goes to bed.  Plus, I am still considered full-time, so we get all the benefits (such as tuition assistance and health insurance at a decent price).  So, I am liking my decision.  After all the back and forth, it feels good to have finally made one! 

Sorry about the novel; it feels good to get this all out though!